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A History of No Skills No Skills. A band? No, more. A multi-variable, slightly-hesitant, fully-participant, blues explosion, food for funk, Jah calling, straight-edge, crackpup, b-boy breakin', money-money-makin', eine kleine nacht-turnal, jive bunny, socializing by way of the good vista, quartet+2, orquestrated/arkestrated synthetic paradigm unit, would be the closest description. A seed of inspiration planted into the minds of Louis Katz [trap kit, world-music percussive unit] and Oscar Santos [throat gesticulations and articulations of the third eye aural kind] provide the roots of this ever-growing force. In the face of such deus ex machina circumstance the two had no choice, but to begin the musician-napping, the drafting, the search for No Skills funkasoldiers. 1995-6 witnessed both the birth and first incarnation of tha 'Skills [previous performances were performed, but small parties and/or substance-induced playing can be skipped for now]. The date: sometime in April. The Scene: North Hollywood Auditorium, School Talent Show. Enlisting fellow cohorts, David S. Goodwin [el bajo xtra-ordinaire] and Chris Vallejo [six-string mack-attack], mass audiences had their taste buds wetted for the first time by this young and useless love-juggernaut. Reactions ranged from dumbfounded X-tacy to de-rage against the machine'd moshing. In the wake of such anarchic emotional emoting, a frightened administration attempted to close the curtains on this mouthpiece of youthful unrest. And how befitting it was that the youth could not be silenced, and the curtains once again were to arise. Flash forward. Summer, 1996. Line-up changes coincided with a drastic reevaluation of goals and ideals, moods and motifs, hopes and wishes, dreams and funkasaurs. This new, more focused direction included the induction of guitarist/Semitic [coming from the word, "Semi," meaning "half"1] brother-in-arms, Joshua Horwatt, and as a horny horn section, of long-time partner-in-crime Michael Samulon and the unwitting Dan Nishimoto. Intensive rehearsals during the two+ (2+) month sabbatical from the educational System run with a rotating beater of drums [including local sensation and all-around Disnophile, Robert Shmerling, and cu-bop pop wunder, The Artist Currently Known As Warren] in the wake of Katz's pilgrimage to The Holy Land, yielded positive results. By the time of the incumbent semester, No Skills would be readily prepared for a show; even one as early as October [in fact, only five (5) consecutive rehearsals would be needed to finalize the material (i.e., write the songs) just prior to the date]. This new No Skills presented to both fans and curious pedestrians, i.e. soon-to-be-baptized-church-goers, alike a wholly new In sound that was definitely from the way Out. Over a year of solid and inconsistent touring reaped its appropriate fruits. Rave reviews from ravers/fans/groupies/roadies. International critical acclaim. Press in major journals/publications, spearheaded by the keen ear and glass eye of Creole beatnik, Stefanie Miller. Concerts spanning from West Hills to the Budokan in Japan to North Hollywood to the Hutu-Tutsi-U.N.-I.T.Y. Benefit in Rwanda to the Irish-American-Pride/Potato Fest at Notre Dame University and back to North Hollywood and forward to the Salmon Rushdie Fan Club Annual Ho-Down in Tehran, and back to North Hollywood ------------------ 1. Katz, Louis, "Bloodclot interview," The Bloodclot Hour Radio Show, 13 May, 1999. with a repeat performance in the NoHo Arts Community to the Reading Festival [unfortunately, technical problems, general smarminess, and bouts of gout from English water with just too much A to Zinc clout severely impaired the band, leading to a particularly unpleasant performance] and closing out with two (2) final outbursts in North Hollywood [further proof of the band's undying love and devotion to its original fans, in spite of its ever-increasing fame]. And thus, we return to the present. What have we been blessed with? A global live musical extravaganza [eight-and-a-half (8 1/2) or so shows], two (2) official sets of recordings, in addition to a strew of rare tracks and bootlegs, stickers, and a coupla t-shirts. Oh, and two (2) groupies. Why do I speak of No Skills as a past entity, though? Sad to say, the excesses of rock stardom can consume even the most divinely righteous individuals. A life-long dream of perfect Technique drove Goodwin to part ways and focus more energy on his studio musicianship. After subsequent sessions with such pop killuminaties as Spaqua [who would've known that the gay dude from "Barbie Girl" would replace Ginger?] and the Jon B Blackstreet Girl X-Plo-Jun, he was finally driven to an attempt at suicide in his Sunset hotel room following a 27 hour session for the new Whitney Houston/Celine Dion duet album. A penchance for lackadaisical behaviour resulted in fewer and fewer public sightings of the normally sociable and ostentatious Katz It has been rumoured that he has spent the last three (3) years straight in his La-Z-Boy/ chamber pot convertible, subsisting off of nothing more than his life-time subscription of Natural Geographic and home-delivered Zankou chicken, with sides of hummous and pita. Samulon incurred a massive heart-attack upon hearing this, thus nearly ending his life-long battle of blood pressure boiling frustration over his typically low blood-pressured neighbor/soul brother Number One (1). He has become something of a permanent resident at Cedar Sinai hospital in Los Angeles. A deadly combination of good looks and naivete led Horwatt into a career in the adult film industry, where he became more commonly known as 'El Gran Piotr,' or, 'Whole-Cock,' to his porn star friends and fans. You can visit him at www.whole_cock.org [proceeds from Adult Check go to The Friends of Kids with Rickets in San Pedro, AK]. After making a bet that if he did not marry industry-insider, Ms. Miller, his soul would be relinquished to Samulon, Santos was forced to walk the earth as an empty bag of flesh in the wake of his much-publicized break-up [she left him for John Lennon-twin, Liam Gallagher]. It has been rumoured that when accosted, he would mutter heart-breakingly that the fish never fried in the first place. After years of having his first name mispronounced in an awful nasal southern tone by the world-over and thrice, Nishimoto eventually found no way to substantiate his existence as a phonetically-correct individual, and fell into the Nether-Hole with Ken Griffey, Jr. Overall, the world has suffered a terrible loss. Or has it? With each passing year, each month, each moment, the legend is spread on to more and more music fans. An exponentially growing number of No Skills legions call for a reunion. And there may be reason for hope. Regrouping under a new, more hip hop oriented zeitgeist, Goodwin has begun fiddling with a rapper persona, MC D.Av.E.-ONE [an acronym for, "Da Average Existentialist Owns No Existentialist]. Underground headz who have been lucky enough to witness his sporadic performances have likened him to a "one-man Blood of Abraham with a serious funk funk Monk jones." Horwatt's departure from C-level cinematic features have resulted in a new career as a techno diva [but if he is male, does that make him a "divo?"]. Buying out the Hooked-On-Phonics corporation, Nishimoto has reinvigorated the educational industry with his more militant direction, reflected in its new name, Hook-Yourself-On-Dis-Or-I'll-Smack-Yo'-Putita-Ass-Phonics. Santos found a replacement soul in the form of the one Soul Asylum stole, thereby also putting an end to the perennial question, "Who stole the soul?" After undergoing sextuple-bypass surgery, Samulon has learned to cope with near-heart failure and the paralyzation of half of his face [the left side]. To prevent any further blood-pressure-related problems, he has pioneered a new style of eating known as "VZM," a lifestyle more hardcore than veganism, where consumption is limited to polyurethane products solely, thus also alleviating the recycling issue. And Louis... is still Louis [Samulon suffered another heart attack, but, as mentioned above, he has learned to deal with them on a day-to-day basis]. And so, we are brought back to the text which has left you salivating for more. What does No Skills mean? A band ahead of its time? The key that will unlock the floodgates to a wholly fresh conception in the artistry that we currently define as music? All? None? More? No Skills is love. We love ourselves. And we love your mothers. Thanks. |
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